Brown Nosing Revisited

I am drinking coffee in a Carmel living room bigger than any apartment I have ever lived in. Behind me, in the kitchen that I just walked through when entering the house, (I was not encouraged to use the front door), the coffeemaker looks like it belongs in a modern art museum.  You can see the ocean from the living room windows, but there is also an Olympic size swimming pool in back of the house down a stone stairway. 

I am here, in a family's vacation house, in the last August days before school begins, to interview for a job tutoring a junior high school student. He is about to begin freshman year in a highly competitive Silicon Valley high school, and he needs some help with the transition.
If hired, I will be the English reading and writing tutor. But his Mom is also worried about her kid's attitude.
"My kid hates brown nosing," she says, as two labradoodle dogs nestle at her feet.
"He's a very genuine person--but not all his classmates are. He won't suck up to a teacher or a coach that he does not like. If he is going to keep his grades up, at the very least, he needs to stay on the good side of his teachers."

"I can work with him on this," I say confidently, wondering how many brown noser contractors have worked in this home.

I reassure the Mom that her kid is very bright with a high E.Q. (and he is, really)--but now I am brown nosing, too.

(These red things below are backpack emojis)

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The wood floor is cool under my bare feet--I have been asked to remove my shoes, but not offered slippers. It is a warm summer day at the family's summer house in Carmel and the air conditioning is on--while earlier in the day, some miles north in Menlo Park, my husband and I considered whether it is hot enough to chill the air and spend the energy and the dollars. (We decide it isn't.)

I consider telling the Mom to invite the teachers down to the summer house for some coffee or a swim. They could choose between the ocean and the pool.
If the Mom actually made the invitation, would that be brown nosing on her part?

I think that the interview has gone well. On the drive home, as I pass farm workers in the fields of Salinas,I seriously think about how I would advise this student.

When I get home, I begin what I hope will be a thoughtful e-mail about brown nosing
I don't send it because I don't even have the gig yet--the family will get back to me.

I also don't send it because right in the first paragraph, as my mind roams free, the note evolves or devolves (is that a word?) into social satire rather than a helpful correspondence. If I do get the tutoring job, I will head towards the light and send my best altruistic thoughts about cordial student/teacher communications and developing mutual respect if not agreement. Someday the kid will thank me in his Nobel Prize acceptance speech. 

A week later, I learn that I did not get the job. If you know me, you know that I do not have a poker face, so maybe it was a raised eyebrow that did me in during the interview. I guess that the student is better off. I guess I'm better off, too. Still, I  saved that snarky draft.  So here goes:

Dear __________:

In the next few weeks we may begin working together reviewing your English assignments. But today I want to talk about another topic--getting along with your teachers while keeping your self respect. Your Mom tells me that you hate the idea of brown nosing. And based upon what I have observed about your life so far, you may never have the need. (I am snarky right there in the first paragraph.)
Take a look at the photo of the mug 

I could  advise you to bring the mug to every class.

You could find out the teacher’s favorite drink and fill the mug with the preferred beverage.

You could bring personalized mugs: They make mugs that say: I love my biology teacher; I love my math teacher.

But it’s probably not a good idea.

For one thing, it will look like brown nosing. 
That's because it is.

And brown nosing shows a lack of integrity—as integrity is defined in this green box.




(Your Mom also shared that you are a visual learner, particularly responsive to the color green)

But there are two qualities that you can show that can help you to get along with teachers, without compromising your values. And I know what those two things are, because not only am I a teacher, I am the daughter of a teacher, a cousin of three teachers--four if you count Cousin Max before he became a lawyer, and a friend to more teachers and professors than you can count.

We talk to each other. We won't ever mention you by name--we are sworn to confidentiality.  It is in our code of honor. Besides, our conversations are mostly about us not you. But brown nosing will now become one of our "issues."

But back to how you can get along with your teachers. What are those two qualities you need to show?

1)RESPECT

2)RESPECT

If you are lucky, you have a natural respect for the teacher standing or sitting before you. But maybe you don’t. Maybe you think that the teacher is doing a terrible job. Maybe the teacher IS doing a terrible job. The good news is that you don’t even have to speak to show respect.  Instead, you can show respect with body language and a few nonverbal actions. Here are some suggestions:

1) LOOK AT THE TEACHER—MAKE EYE CONTACT

Teachers want to think that you are paying attention.  Maybe you even are paying attention. Listening to someone, whether you agree or not, and whether they are boring or not, is one important way to show respect. If you agree with something that the teacher is saying, you can even go so far as to nod your head. Once!  Keep nodding your head all through class and you will be brown nosing. Or the school may call in a drug counselor.
Trigger alert: If you nod your head, also be prepared for the teacher to call you out. “Jason, I see you agree! Can YOU tell us why the Handmaid's Tale mirrors today's dystopic society?”

If you are going to hate answering questions like these, just stick to the eye contact.

The book Study Strategies Made Easy: A Practical Plan for School Success, has another suggestion if you are particularly bored or sleepy. If eye contact is too much for you, just (and I quote) : "Point your nose in the direction of where the teacher is standing."

3)LOOK LIKE YOU ARE READY TO WORK

Have your materials out on the desk and turn off your phone, unless you need it for class. Don’t sprawl your legs and plop with your head down on the desk. Try not to yawn. Pretend to look interested. This will serve you well later in life at the companies you own, the auction houses you attend, on Skype, in your Tinder photo and at the start of in-person hookups.

4) HAND IN ASSIGNMENTS ON-TIME OR EARLY. 
This will help you when you serve on the board of directors of  either the DeYoung Museum ora nonprofit or venture backed startup.

5)AVOID SOCIALIZING/TEXTING WITH FRIENDS WHILE THE TEACHER IS SPEAKING.  If you absolutely must get a message or send one (and we all do sometimes), be very low key about it and wait for a break or a lull. If you have voice recognition on your phone, learn to speak without moving your lips. In the old days this was called ventriloquism and people would pay money to see other people speak this way.

Maybe you know all of these strategies already.

Maybe you read this and are sorry that you will never get back those last few minutes of your  life.
No matter how you feel, write back and say—thank you, Lauren! That way I can forward the note to your Mom and other potential clients.

You could also write me  a brief note and tell me what was helpful and/or how it was helpful. Or ask a relevant question that you really want to know the answer to. Don’t make up a question just to ask it. Oh what the hell--make up a question.The  questions show that you actually read the essay. At least that's what the PhDs  who do educational assessment say. They also get paid more than me, which is really unfair because I have to do all the work, and all they get to do is, well, judge.

I look forward to working with you. Really, I do.

Yours truly,
Lauren John